As Justin and I come upon our one year wedding anniversary, we hear the question more and more. When are you guys going to have a baby? Cue the screeching halt noise please. First, of all WE will not be having a baby. I will be the one pregnant with a changing body and going through labor not him so let’s just get that part out of the way. Secondly, why do people feel the need to ask this question? Is it lack of conversation? Is it programmed in people to ask a newlywed couple when the next “logical” step will be? Or is it because they’re genuinely interested? Regardless of what the reason may be, here is why you should stop asking women when they’re going to have kids and why I don’t particularly enjoy being asked it myself.
Sometimes it’s just not the right time whether that be in the couples relationship or in their professional career. Justin and I are in the midst of trying to figure out what we want to do for the rest of our lives professionally as neither of our jobs are especially satisfying. Because of that, we know that right now is not the best time to bring another life into the mix.
The couple could simply not be ready for kids. Besides wanting to accomplish so much more in the professional world, there are other things to consider. Where are they going to plant roots for their family? Who would watch the baby during the day while they’re working? Not to mention we’re in the middle of a pandemic!
Have you ever considered that maybe they’re already pregnant? By you asking that question you could be putting them in a very uncomfortable position because they’re not ready to tell anyone. Especially if they’ve had difficulty conceiving in the past, then them wanting to wait to tell people isn’t out of the ordinary. You’ve just become the jackass that has ruined their secret.
On the topic of conception, what if the couple is having trouble with fertility? This is probably the most soul crushing question that someone can ask when you’re struggling with infertility and have to face it head on. About 10 percent of the US Women’s population have difficulty getting pregnant and the person that you’re asking this question to, could be one of them. I’ve never tried to conceive myself but I know that if someone asked me this question when I was already in a vulnerable position, I might just snap.
Maybe the couple just doesn’t want to have kids in general and that’s okay. For years I had this internal battle with myself of whether this was really in the cards for me. I never felt my “maternal instinct” kick in that everyone told me about. Justin and I had the conversation, and for the early part of our relationship, came to the conclusion that we’re super happy with our simple life and didn’t need to have kids. Once my sister had a baby though, my whole mindset changed and we’ve revisited the conversation. However, if a couple doesn’t want kids at all, you shouldn’t judge them. If anything, most people are probably jealous that they can’t just do whatever they want whenever they want without having to consider the child.
Lastly, it’s nobody’s business besides the two people in the relationship. Baby pressure is real once you marry someone. I felt it heavily in the beginning by my Mom, sister, and friends. But, every couple is different and in the end they’re going to do what they want. So sure, you may be curious when they’re going to start a family. But trust me they’ve had that conversation behind closed doors and it’s none of your business how that goes. It’s super important to respect those boundaries and just be supportive. So if you’ve learned anything from this, remember why you should stop asking women when they’re going to have kids.